I don't want to be right
I want to be happy
If I am right, you are wrong. Who am I to make you wrong. Your life does affect me on some level, but only as deeply as I allow it to. Sure, there is evil in this world. The aborrance of the evil has to first exist in me for me to feel such objection to it. I truly believe in reflections. It is not an easy way to function. It is a way people live when being a victim is not an option.
Everything I see that is beautiful - I think to myself about how beautiful I must be. When I see a terrible thing or a characteristic in another person I don't like. My first thought after my dislike is where does that exist in me. This is hard. It is not easy. I do feel more free though, because it means I am in control. If I am accountable it means I can do something about it, starting with me.
Simple example, I am now working with someone I really don't like. I avoid her, she still comes at me to befriend me. She is not a person people dislike, she just struck a cord. This is the first time I have disliked someone on this level " just because ". Now that I know her better I can see more why I don't like her. This new dislike makes me question my mirror philosophy; there again does it.
I want to be happy, not right. In fact I prefer to be wrong. It is hard to be right. Over the past year I have been too right in too many things.
Being abroad I find reflection harder. I find the drive to move forward and back into old habits even stronger, like a raging bull in my heart, the bull of self destruction. Everything I gain, everything I have loved I have lost in the past - businesses, relationships, family, friends my health. I have some of it sure, but more has been lost than what I still have... as I move forward with the new opportunities of starting over I feel more lost than ever. My stable point, the God I once believed in has shown me ... that he is a concept in my mind. I am my own God. I am accountable for myself. My inner chants are a creative force for my own life, both good and bad chants.
People are idiots, all of us. To give your heart to a human is idiocy. To not give your heart to a human is to deny yourself a feeling so vulnerable, so human, that I have to ask what is life with out it.
It must have been a different lifetime, to not have this feeling. The recreation of life within a life is amazing. The one constant being change in this life - how do we still fall inlove with a feeling that the only way it could possibly survive is if it evolves.
In search for guarantees I find comfort in new friends and new places. I don't want to know the final outcome. That would be boring
I love you